My son walks better then I do, and he is chatty about it too!

Elliott has been furniture surfing since april. I had perfect timing with breaking my leg and not being allowed to walk on it. A few weeks after I broke it, while still laid up, he started walking. WOW can he ever motor.
Well apparently no on told him gravity isn't just a rule, its THE LAW! The poor guy has a million bruises, cuts, scrapes, and bumps. He wipes out so hard sometimes his head smacks off the floor before he has a chance to put his arms out.
He also has started talking a lot more, his favorite being a very enthusiastic HI! whenever someone comes into a room or he comes into a room. He also uses his "hi" first thing in the morning instead of crying when he wakes up. We hear his little chipmunk voice from his room "HI! Mom? Mom? Mum, mum, mum... HI? HIYEEEE? Dad? DAAAAD? Dad! HI!" He figured out after after a few days that mom never comes because of her broken leg so now he just calls for dad. But both Chris and I cant help but smile in the morning to this.
His second favorite word is Yum! But its more Um. Anything he eats that he likes every mouthful is followed up by a muffled UM! We also find this very cute.
Now because I am not very mobile I am getting super frustrated with is little grabby hands and that fact he is now mobile, and smart enough to block me when I am trying to do something he doesn't like, like take something away from him, or change his diaper.
I can't help but feel I am missing out on something not being able to be as active with him as I would like. I had bought him a bunch of summer clothes, hats, sandles, for out door adventuring. I had planned on putting a garden in this year, and introducing him to dirt and bugs while weeding in the garden. All of that went out the window.
I will have a screw in my leg until the end of September. I can start walking this coming friday, but wont be able to do as much as I want to at first. I will however be taking Elliott for a few walks a day if the weather is nice to rebuild my lost muscle in my leg. I am excited to get him outside and in his wagon he got for his birthday and has yet to use. I wont be running around with him at the park, on the play structures like I wanted. But we will see, we will just have to make fall and winter all that more special.
I am really enjoying this age, and his little personality that is coming out.

Life as a Broken Mom

The friday before mothers day, I fell down the outside steps to my sisters house while holding Elliott. Okay, when I stay steps I should really clarify. There were only three, and I rolled my ankle off my heel shoe down one. The inside of my foot touched the inside of my calf. My only reaction while falling was to shield Elliott. I landed, he started crying, and that's when I tried to move my leg. I remember thinking "what is that high pitched sound?", and that's when I realized it was me.
My sister came running out and collected Elliott and checked him to make sure she was okay. She had to finish dealing with her new born son and came back out to see what she could do for me.
Well it turns out not a whole lot. While she was inside and I was left alone I just stared at my leg convinced I had broke my shin in half. I took off my shoe and pulled up my pant leg and it didn't look broken. I tried moving again, and again started crying.
When she came out I asked her to get me the phone. I was now convinced that I had sprang my ankle. I guess I told my sister that through my sobs. I called Chris and told him I needed him to come and drive me and Elliott home because my sister had to go and pick up her 3 year old daughter at daycare. I was SURE I just needed to go home and I would be fine. I would put some ice on it and be fine. Looking back I now know I was in shock.
I hung up with Chris and tried again to move my leg. WOW! It hurt so bad. I got up the three steps and into my sisters house backwards, on my butt, crying with every movement. By the time I was in the house I knew I needed to go to the hospital. Really, I should have called an ambulance.
Chris came and it became clear he was not going to be returning to work, or driving me home. We then called my mom. Chris took Elliott home and me and my mom went to the hospital.
I wasn't in the ER forever. But we did find out that I did break the tip of my fibula vertically. The tendon that runs from the middle of the fibula to the tip was stretched with such force instead of ripping it ripped the tip of the bone its attached to off instead. I was put in a splint, given crutches and sent home.
A week later I got to go see the doctor that specializes in bones. He figured I had a fracture at the mid fibula, tip of the fibula, and the top of my other foot. Good news was it was just the one break. The other foot was sprang, and the tendon just damaged at the mid fibula.
I got a cast and was told to come back in a week so they could take some new xrays to see if its healing right.
I went back and it wasn't healing right. All the soft tissue damage I did made it so the tibia (the small bone in the shin) was to far away from the fibula, so they had to put a screw in it. I had surgery the next week, and was in a splint again for another week. So by this time it had already been 4 weeks since the break. I was told to come back in two weeks to get the staples out of my ankle.
I went back and had more xrays and am healing properly. I got great news that day, I got a boot instead of a cast. That means I get to take it off to sleep and bathe! I was to come back in three weeks to get my final check up and be referred to physio.
So I am a week away from that last appointment. All this time I have not been allowed to put weight on it.
So here is where the mom part comes in. ANY of you who have kids know that a toddler is non stop go go go! Well have fun doing that in a cast and being told ABSOLUTELY NO weight on the broken leg. Also add a sprang foot on your "good" leg that you get to hop around on, respranging over and over and over again. Not so much fun.
I am super lucky to have a wonderful friend who came in from the province over to come stay with me. She took care of both me and Elliott that first week, then had to go and take care of some personal business for the second week, and came back the third week. Another wonderful friend then took Elliott every day for the fourth week. Then my friend came back again to help for the fifth week. The other friend has been taking Elliott every second day for the last week and next week. I can do almost everything around the house with him. I am lucky to have hard floors on the main floor. So we bought a cheap task chair for me to roll around in, so that I can pick Elliott up. Without my friend taking Elliott every second day I would be in a world of hurt.
My mom and my mother in law have also really stepped up with coming over to help when I have to go for doctors appointments, or need help putting Elliott to bed.
My poor husband has been having to do about 99.9% of everything around here. I try, but there is so much I just cant do. Its frustrating. Whats even more frustrating is how I can't do things with Elliott. I had so much planned for the summer... so far we have been hanging around in the house :( poor guy!
Thats the story of how I broke my leg, and how I have wonderful friends and family to help. I will talk more about trying to raise Elliott.

The mighty adventurer!

Elliott has become an excellent furniture surfer. He did half a lap around the living room and kitchen the other day. Now that he is able to go adventuring he is a very busy little boy.
Only a toddler, a new one at that, can make the most impeccable house seem dirty. They seem to find every little piece of lint, scrap of paper, or otherwise. Lucky for me he still finds novelty in giving what ever he finds to me.
Its endlessly amusing to me to watch him find enjoyment in the weirdest things. We have toys strewn all over the house, yet the pop box, dog kennel, and lint roller are his favorite things to play with.
He also has a big love for music. Its about the only time he pays attention to the T.V. is when there is music or singing on.
I must admit I am really enjoying this stage of his life!

Looking back. WARNING LONG.

I meant to do this near his birthday. Look back at our first year together. Life happened and I was busy. So lets call this last 14 months looking back.

We got pregnant intentionally. We were advised that it may help with my ongoing, undiagnosed, medical condition. "They", being the doctors and specialists, thought that my medical condition was probably making it less and less likely that we could become pregnant. And honey, we weren't getting any younger! So we thought, desperately, that it was a way for me to get better, and for us to be a little family before it was to late.

My labor was not typical. Enough said. We were both healthy and happy.

Elliott was a wonderful little new born. He breast fed easy, like he was born to do it. I have never been a person that liked a lot of physical contact, so it was hard for me to be fed off of day and night, but I did it for him. He liked his sleep from the get go. I did have delayed bonding with him, which I guess can happen when you have a c-section.

Shortly after his birth Chris' grandpa was diagnosed with Cancer. Shortly after so was my grandmother. His grandfather passed away in June. My grandmother is still fighting the fight. She is a tough old lady! Chris' stepfather's dad was also diagnosed with cancer that year, and he recently passed away.

The same day of Chris grandfathers funeral a close friend tried to take her life. Elliott was only a few months old at this point. A few weeks later I had my exploitative surgery, and we again were rocked with devastating news.

Looking back at the last 14 months I realized that I was having a "hard time" being a mom. I spent most of my time feeling like a really crappy mom. Like it wasn't coming natural to me. Everything from wanting to spend time with him, and wanting to be affectionate to him felt forced. Taking a look back at everything else that happened, I now realize that I was dealing with a lot more then most first time moms have to deal with. Death, friend drama, health issues, health scares, and everything else that was going on.

Really if we had taken even half of all those issues off the table I think I would have felt much more successful, comfortable, and confident about my new role as mom. Discussing all of these things with my sister recently has made me realize that I just need to forgive myself for the last year, and look back at all the success I had as a mother.

Elliott is a wonderful person. Right from the get go, he has been a really easy baby. He slept good from the start. He eats well. He has a super laid back personality, takes life as it happens. He is a snuggle bunny, which I can proudly say I LOVE! He is a flirt. If you are a woman, with dark skin, dark hair, and dark eyes, watch out! He has had several developmental set backs. His head is crazy large head. It held him back from crawling and walking. We where insured by the peditrician that once his muscles where strong enough he would do a bunch of new stuff all at once. It felt pretty crappy watching all the other babies do new things, while I had a little baby blob. Within a two week period he went from just doing a weird version of crawling to pulling himself up holding on to us, and low furniture, to walking while holding on to us, to furniture surfing!! It feels great to finally see him figuring out the world is a place to explore.

Chris has been the most amazing person that I have ever known. He is a great dad, he is a great partner, and he is a great person. He takes care of me when I can't even take care of me. He puts Elliott and I first when it counts. He stands up to me being a suck. He is there for me when the craziness of life gets me down. He is more then I deserve, and a better man then most women get. He is supportive, and he has stuck buy me through this horrifying, crazy medical drama that I have been dealing with for the last 4 years.

I look forward to the next year. I am hoping life is a bit calmer on all fronts because I know that Elliott isn't going to be getting any calmer, and I want to take that on full force! I know that I will have great support from Chris, my family, and my close friend.

No news is good news and Long time no blog.

Life has been hectic the last couple months. My grandmother is battling cancer and is doing well, but the radiation she received is doing a number on her brain.
We got the results of the CT scan and it looks like we have to see a specialist because two of Elliott's cranial plates have fused prematurely. Its probably not a big deal, but we have been referred to a neuro surgeon. I called his office a few weeks after the result and was told that depending on the severity of the case we should expect a call for consultation in the next 6 months! WTF? Um okay... So its been a few months and Chris and I are trying to look at it as a good thing. The surgery he would need is a button hole surgery and is pretty straight forward.
Elliott's head has been the same measurement since 9 months, so that's a great thing! He has also been an extremely busy boy. He STILL does not crawl on all fours. He prefers the sit and pull myself around with my arms method. It works great for our hard floors, but you get him on carpet and he gets frustrated.
Just this last week he pulled himself up on his slide grandma and grandpa got him for his birthday! He looked soooooo proud! The last few days he has finally figured out furniture surfing. For several weeks now he walks holding on to our fingers for support.
The little guy is doing exactly what the doctor said he would do, a bunch of things all at once, skipping steps along the way to catch up with other kids his age.

Dizzy Dizzy Baby

Elliott had to have a CT scan on his head today. His head is off the charts huge and he fits into a 2T-4T hat already. Both our normal doctor and pediatrician are not really concerned that there is a problem. They both agreed that a scan should be done in case its that size because of extra fluid or growths. My family doctor says he thinks Elliott has a case of big-head-itis due to his parents having huge heads. Well I have a big head that is for sure, and some of Chris' sibblings have larger heads too... so its no surprise his turned out so big. Yep, still not crawling or walking!
So today we went for the scan. They had to put him to sleep for the scan to keep him still. They give him gas through a mask. He was under less then five minutes. The nurse took him away and then brought him back all loopy. He was swaying his head and upper body in circles. The whole waiting room got a kick out of it.
He is a little off today, finding almost everything funny. Other then that he is doing fine!
We find out the results next week. We are not worried, but glad that our doctors are being proactive.

Wow! Its like he's a little person!

Any parent of a laid back child will probably be able to relate to this post.
Elliott has always been a laid back observer. He doesn't want to be the center of attention, doesn't want to be fussed over. He just wants to do his own thing. Frankly its BORING! HA! But the last few weeks Elliott personality has been blossoming. He claps, he squeals, he show preference for toys, or objects. He has a sense of humor. He is finally getting out of that baby blob stage. NO he is STILL not walking or crawling. He does LOVE standing, but can't pull himself up. He is just a million times more fun then he has ever been.
Its kind of a relief really. You never want to think poorly of your child, but you can't help feel insecure when your baby is sitting back watching all the action and everyone else child is all over the place being little characters.
Both Chris and I know that Elliott is very smart. He needs to think everything out before he takes action on it. This includes new objects you give him. He needs to spend a few minutes examining it before he starts playing with it. Its cute to watch really. I hope this behavior of being thoughtful continues!

"Mother Knows Best"

Christmas celebrations have come and gone. I must say it was very anticlimactic, but I am sure in the years to follow Elliott will enjoy it more.
This was the first family gathering that I actually felt like I was Elliott's mom. As mentioned in previous posts Elliott is not a big fan of being held and snuggled endlessly by me and his father, let alone other family members. So Christmas "morning" came (we did it in the afternoon) and I plopped Elliott down in the middle of the floor and there he stayed. Relatives sat with him and talked and stuff but he wasn't held by anyone. He lasted a lot longer then either Chris or I thought he would.
Normally if it was just one side of the family or another visiting he would be passed around like a doll from relative to relative until he was uber grumpy and had to be "rescued" by Chris or I.
Because it was both sides of our family I think no one wanted to "hog" him. It worked out better this way anyways.
I also felt more like a mom because I put my foot down about Christmas. I told both sides that we would not be driving all over the city, in a rush, from house to house to make sure we got to see everyone. We instead had our very first Christmas morning as a family, and invited everyone else over for coffee, goodies, and present opening in the afternoon. It was great. I can't say everyone was happy about it, but Chris and I where, and ultimately so was Elliott.

Coming to terms with a "Do it on his own schedual" Child.

I wont lie (seems like I say that a lot) but its really hard for me to watch all the other babies Elliott's age I know crawling, walking, clapping hands together, feeding themselves, dancing, even talking. My little blob baby enjoys sitting on his own, just learned how to bang two things in his hands together, knows how to get to his belly from sitting and scootch around on his bum. He isn't behind on his milestones or anything. There is no worry there. Every time I complain about it to my doctor I get "There are two factors at play with Elliott." His head is HUGE! 97 percentile. He also was stunted in his growth from 4-6.5 months by my breast milk. So the doctor goes on "He needs more muscle development to do things like rolling, crawling, sitting, standing, and walking then other babies because he has a huge melon" (Yes my doctor refers to my son's head as a melon. Remember, I am dealing with an undiagnosed illness. I see the guy once every month so we are "friends") What I am further told is that he is going to fall behind and behind until one day his body hits a nice balance between head size and muscle development and WHAM! He will do a bunch of things all at once.
Okay, so here is where I say STILL FRUSTRATED! I HATE having to answer peoples questions "Oh he must be into everything now that he is crawling" No he doesn't crawl. "Is he walking yet?" Nope. "Well he can stand right?" Nope. Then I always feel compelled to explain why... which makes me feel like I am making excuses.
Two weeks ago we went to our first mommy and me Aquasize class. For those of you unfamiliar, its exercise in water, and your child in a flotation device. I came away from the first class EXTREMELY happy. I thought it was just the act of being in the water that had really made me happy. I love swimming, even though this was not swimming...lol. Then I figured it out after I had bragged for the 10th time to my husband about how wonderful Elliott did. He was splashing, kicking, squealing, trying to swim and giggling like a maniac. He really enjoys the water and wanted to kick kick kick all over the place. The other babies in the group fell into one of the three following categories: Scared/upset. Board. Or cautiously happy. Elliott was the only one going nuts almost the whole class. The second class show other babies just as pumped as Elliott was. But it was really really wonderful to say that Elliott finally excelled at something other then eating or sleeping! (and yes I know how lucky I am there!)

Splish Splash Elliott's Loving his Bath.

Now that Elliott can sit up he really enjoys his bath. He goes absolutely nuts in it and I LOVE it. I know no matter how hard his or my day has been at then end of it, right before bed time, we get to have a fun time together.

On to a different topic. I was talking to one of my close online friends from the pregnancy group I had previously mentioned. We where talking about how we try to be good moms, in regards to this Halloween. I had made, and decorated sugar cookies. Then made little gift boxes to hand out to our family members we visited for trick or treating. The topic got onto how I have never hidden the fact that I don't always like being a mom. She told me that she knows two sisters that actually tell there kids that they don't like them, as in "Honey I love you but I dont like you " WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?
Elliott will always know I am his biggest fan. He will know when I am upset because we will discuss it. But I wont EVER tell him I don't like him. Can you imagine growing up thinking your mom didn't even like you. Horrible to say the least.
That got me thinking. I think this is the exact thought that people have about me when the hear or see me blog about not always liking being a mom. The thing is, and I want Elliott to understand this too, we don't always like the roles we are in, even if its one we choose. But that isn't a horrible thing. There are days I don't want to be a girl, I don't want to be a mom, I don't want to be someone that has to get out of bed a deal with the world... it doesn't mean I don't love my life. I think if we acknowledge when we are having a hard day it allows us to deal with it better as appose to blowing up one day and declaring we hate our lives.

Wow a visit to the Chiropractor was worth it!

My Dad seen Elliott for the first time EVER this month. The first thing this proud grandpa said when he held Elliott was "Wow is his middle back ever out!" Right after that comment, and I mean within the hour, we where at his Chiropractor signing a waver to have an adjustment done on Elliott. The Chiro explained that many babies cry because some stranger is handling them in a weird new way. He put Elliott in a few different positions, Elliott cried a little, and handed my baby back to me. We then went to my fathers house. Elliott not three hours before could only sit up for a few minutes, was now sitting up endlessly. CRAZY! I myself go to a Chiropractor, and think it helps immensely. I never thought that a pinch in my child's back was holding him back at all. We will be continuing his treatments with my Chiropractor ever few months. Needless to say I am very impressed!

Last days of belly baby!

Well I am going to have a mobile baby soon! He has been rolling since 4 months or so. Not a complete roll at first of course. The last few weeks he has been doing little push ups. He hasn't gotten his pelvic off the floor yet, but man is he trying! I will honestly miss this immobile baby. I love that I can leave him and all he can do is roll around. I am looking forward to the adventures we will have once he can crawl and walk. And I can't wait until he can come to me when he can come to me when he wants me.
He can also support himself in a sit for about 30 seconds with support from his arms.
All reminders that my little tiny baby that grew inside me is now growing up. I feel like I am letting things pass by or something. Can't I will myself into remember every cute little thing he does? I hate that since I got pregnant with him my memory has been crap. I don't remember a lot of the first 3 months of his life, and now the the following three months are faiding into gray.

Elliott's Keeper

I have to admit it. Sometimes I feel more like I am managing my son then parenting him. I do have a chronic illness that did make my day to day life hard before Elliott came. There are days that I literally can ONLY manage him. Keep him fed, clean, entertained, and happy. Those are the days that the T.V. is payed to much attention to, that the laundry doesn't get folded, the dishes don't get put away, and I stay in pajamas all day. Is this how I imagined being a mother? Not really. Like I had mentioned in a previous post, I thought I was going to be the granola mom.
That being said I still think I am doing an okay job. Yes I have my insecurities. But its what I do with my good days that counts. When I am able to, Elliott and I spend the whole day "adventuring" together. Sometimes it involves a new toy, a book, and old toy played with differently, singing, dancing, going out and about for visits, practicing being nice to the "puppies" and much more.
Its important to me to remember that Elliott is a little person. Doesn't seem all that long ago that he was just a little baby blob that hung out on the couch and, ate, slept, and pooed all day. But he is a little person. If I am having a bad day, and he needs me I am there. I want to make sure he never takes my illness personally. I want to make it as close to having a healthy mother for him as possible. It really does scare me on a daily basis. Will it ever be so bad that I have to take my word back with him? Tell him we will go to the park after lunch and then have to tell him we can't go because mommy is too ill? I never want it to get to that. It scares the hell out of me. I want to give him everything that any other parent can, and I will, at any cost.

Time to Start Celebrating Holidays!

My husband and I have never been big on the decorating for holidays. We didn't even put up a Christmas tree until my, now 3 year old, niece was born.
Now that I am a mom and I look back on my memories of exciting holidays, I can't help feel that childish excitement as a holiday grows near. We didn't celebrate this Easter with Elliott. He was to young and we had a bunch of family issues going on. As Halloween draws near I am getting excited to put up a few decorations in the windows, dress him up in his Old Navy Dalmatian costume I picked up a few weeks ago, and go out with a little plastic pumpkin to show him off to close friends and family! TRICK OR TREAT!!!
I also want to go all out for Christmas. My husband reminds me that he is to young to remember this Christmas so to take it easy and save up for the Christmases that he will remember. I am going to do just that. I do have a giddy kind of feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of this Christmas coming up. My husband, son and I will be a real family now. We get to choose what we want to do for Christmas, and wont have to spend most of it apart!
My plans for future holidays include creating unique traditions, decorating cookies, sending out greeting cards, doing crafts and maybe even inventing a holiday or two for just the three of us to share.
I want to recreate the excitement I felt, and lost as a grew, for those holidays! I am sure at some point my son is going to think me a big cheese ball for having all these traditions. I hope he looks back when he is my age and appreciates how special I tried to make them for him.

Surprising pretty laid back!

Looking back at my 7 months of motherhood I am, as is some of my close family members, shocked at how laid back a parent I am. I thought the OCD creature that lurks in the depths of my brain and randomly springs would have seen this motherhood adventure as perfect prey, but I guess not.
Elliott has a relaxed schedule. He is not forced to bed unless up till a ridiculous time. He eats when he is hungry, naps when he is tired, plays by himself when feeling independent, and snuggles when needing comfort. The T.V. is on as a form of musical entertainment, something to fill the silence, and on occasion something to fall asleep to.
I honestly thought I would be the rigid granola parent. Using clothe diapers, making my own baby food, being super scheduled, taking him to several learning classes, NO T.V., reading at least a dozen books a day, and constantly having him in a sling. Well Elliott has different ideas, as I am sure many parents have found out with their own babies.
He is a touch of a loner like his mom. He enjoys mine, and his fathers company. But even too much of us and he wants alone time. He finds sitting still for a book reading at the end of the day extremely frustrating (books are now read in the afternoon while laying on our bellies in his play area), he HATES the sling (I have tried several and still he does not like them, yet I keep trying). He enjoys exploring ON HIS OWN thank you very much! He gets frustrated if you do things for him. And just when I think, "wow does this kid even need me?" he has a mommy day where he wants to snuggle all day, practice his cooing noises, and touch my hair and face.
I honestly thought a day in the life of mother hood would be scheduled and similar from one day to the next. Its not. He is learning what kind of person he is, I am, and his father is, and growing and changing accordingly.
I am thankful he isn't the same little person from day to day. Sure sometimes it puts me behind on my domestic duties, sometimes it leaves me feeling kinda lonely, sometimes it makes me super frustrated, but ultimately I am finding motherhood far more a unique laid back experience then I could have ever imagined!

Bye Bye Nursing Bra!

Well after a week of supplementing with formula I am happy to say that Elliott gained almost a whole pound! Yes in just seven days! So I have stopped breast feeding completely so we can try some new medications for my medical condition.
It's like I have a whole new baby! He was always very observant, but now he is in to everything! He also is more physically active and more vocal. He sleeps more during the day, and is better rested when he wakes up.
Also I got my girls into a push up bra for the first time in over 6 months and WOW do my clothes ever fit better!!
I am also pumped because I am not his food source any more! My husband gets to share in feeding Elliott now too. It doesn't just fall on me! It means I don't have to have guilt about going out somewhere and leaving Elliott at home, fretting if I pumped enough for him.
As you can tell I am excited. There ARE several things I don't like about this whole bottle business.
The amount of waste it produces. Liners for bottles, the bottles themselves, the packaging for the formula, the emissions from shipping the formula, and just the extra burden on the environment formula feeding causes.
I don't like washing up all the bottles over and over and over again. I don't like that he sees the bottle and starts freaking out. I don't like having to wait for a bottle to warm up.
Having to be prepared! Before I could just whip out the boob. Now I have to make sure I have enough formula in the house. Enough bottles when I go out. Enough liners. Its a lot of work too.
Middle of the night feeds really suck now. They now involve my husband. He gets up and changes Elliott while I run downstairs to put a prepared bottle into hot water for a few minutes.
I hope as Elliott puts on weight he will stop getting up in the middle of the night. He started sleeping through the night just before he turned 4 months, but then stopped a few short weeks later.
To those moms who think its so much more work to breast feed then it is to bottle feed I poo poo you! I would have to say, from my perspective that they are both equal work with their own unique pros and cons.

6 Month Check Surprise!

Elliott had his 6 month check up this monday. We were shocked to find out that he has only gained 1/2 a pound in 3.5 months! His length only increased by .75inch!
He was being exclusively breast fed as I mentioned before and was getting two meals a day. Fruits for breakfast and veggies for supper. I wasn't going hard core on the solids because I hadn't O.K.'ed it with my doctor yet. I wasn't worried about not offering him cereal because I thought whatever I am lacking in his solid diet, my breast milk will make up for. I was going to get a meal plan from my doctor and go from there.
Well after finding out he wasn't doing so well the doctor wanted to see him in a month. During that time I was to do one, or both of his suggestions. He wanted to increase Elliott to 3-4 solid meals a day, and to include cereals. He said we would see how that goes and decided after for sure if I should supplement with formula if he still wasn't gaining well after the month. He said that if I felt that Elliott needed more that I could start supplementing formula. Probably a small amount of formula at night, or a few times a day.
Well what an adventure it has been. I first over fed him the first day. Gave him the suggested amount of formula for a baby his age.... yeah, thats kinda not how it works I guess if the baby has been breast fed. Breast fed babies eat less, and more frequently. So I kinda messed him up for the whole day because he overate at the beginning of the day.
The second day I offered 6oz at a time. Still a little bit too much. He was really complaining from being stuffed all the time. I was only able to get 2 meals into him.
I was also very shocked at how much he missed breast feeding. He never snuggles or makes constant direct eye contact while feeding. But he was so confused. He would eat his bottle, and be full, but want to breast feed. Poor little guy.
Well day three worked out much better. I limited his bottles down to 3oz, I also breast fed him over night and in the morning until after breakfast. So he got two breast feedings, and 5 3oz bottles (it is just before his bedtime, so he will be breast fed two or three more times throughout the night as well). And guess what?!? I got all three meals in. The trick that seemed to work too, instead of just mixing it with water, I used pumped breast milk. Also, if he finished his bottle, and wasn't quiet full I stuck him on the boob. He is doing much better today.
I didn't think supplementing, or even bottle feeding would be this hard or stressful for me. One thing I did realize is that I actual do prefer breast feeding, as much as I say I didn't like it. There is no fuss and no muss. Its also a hell of a lot cheaper. There is no question, he eats, when he is done he stops. I don't have to obsess how to get enough food into him. I am going to stick to this for two or three more days and then increase the amount offered at every feeding. Slowly I should get up to the 8oz 4 or 5 times a day he should be having.
The doctor thinks that as my medical condition comes back (it kinda stabilized during pregnancy) my breast milk is becoming less and less valuable. He isn't getting enough nutrients from me. The breast milk is still good for antibodies, but that is about it. So I will be pumping for as long as I can to use in the formula, but my breast feeding days are numbered!

Down in the dumps to Pumped!

I make no secrete of the fact I badly wanted a girl. Chris and I have decided that we only want one child. I wanted a girl to dress up in super cute outfits, share that special mother daughter bond with, and you know, just to be girly with!

Well when I found out at 19 weeks I was having a boy I gave myself a whole 24 hours to mourn the loss of the idea of a girl. I cried, I got mad, and then I got over it. I went out shopping for some super cute boy clothes, couldn't find any, had a little prego lady melt down, and then got over that.

I was amazed at the amount of anger I received when I told people I would be upset about not having a girl. They seemed to think I was saying I would be upset at having a boy. That was not it at all, it was that I was NOT having a girl. I would get angered responses of "As long as its healthy you should be happy!" Well no shit I want my baby to be healthy. Who shows up at the doctors office after an ultrasound and gets news that their baby is healthy and says "Damn! I wanted a sick baby!" It was such a stupid response.

Like I have already said, I was upset I wasn't having a girl. I gave myself permission to be upset about it, to be angry for 24 hours and then I moved on. Why were people so mad that I was upset I wasn't getting what I wanted. Having a baby is a huge physical and emotional investment. I am aloud to have my feelings, and be true to them. If I didn't acknowledge how I felt and went through a mourning process how was I ever going to be super pumped about having a boy, and all the joys that comes with?

Now that I have my awesome little man, I couldn't imagine it any other way. I am a dog trainer, and there just isn't any girly puppy themed clothes out there. There are tons of boy puppy themed clothes! Super cute!! And I get to avoid the whole girl drama thing. There is a special bond between a mother and her son. I also am very aware that I don't want to raise a mommies boy, or be oblivious to the fact that my son can make mistakes.

I am looking forward to exploring and discovering the world from a totally different perspective, a boys perspective! Chris is constantly reminding me I need to get over my fear of bugs. It will definitely be an adventure as he grows! But we will learn and explore together!

So today I was out and about and seen some super awesome little boy clothes. I have decided that I am going to dress him like a little punk! Chris and I have always said that if he has enough hair by his first birthday we are shaving a mow-hawk into his hair.

New Found Insecurities.

I have never been a super confident person, but I knew what I was good at, what I was not, and what my faults where.
Now as a mom I find the constant worry of "Am I screwing this little person up for life?" really drains any confidence I did have. The constant self doubt, criticism from friends, family, and society as a whole, make me feel like an insecure, whiny person. It seems that things I am confident I am doing right are questioned by family and friends, but if I am unsure about something I get empty reinforcement from those same friends and family. "You are doing a great job, no worries" is offered only after I voice my concern, never sporadically.
Do you mom friends a favor next time you see them doing something you wouldn't necessarily do with your child, keep you mouth shut. A very high percentage of parents out there are not out to screw up their kids. They honestly think what they are doing is fine, or they wouldn't be doing it.
That being said, there are people out there who are just lazy and don't care about certain things. An example I can think of is, a friend of a friend cleaned out all her bottom cupboards and drawers in her kitchen because she was to lazy to teach her child to stay out of them once he started crawling. That is one thing. Another acceptable time to voice you opinion is if you actually know (because you have kids) that doing something can be harmful to a child. Like if you found out your new mom friend was feeding whole milk to her baby before the age of 9 months (even 12 months for some doctors). Maybe inquire if they knew this could cause milk allergies in the future, and digestive distress now. But if its something stupid like how they put their child to bed, how long they breast feed for, or how they bathe their child just don't bother bringing it up. I can guarantee you that she has questioned and re-questioned herself on the very thing you are questioning and has still decided that its the best for HER baby.
Please remember ever criticism, not matter how well meaning, is just another strike to her already unsteady confidence. If its something that has more to do with values, keep it to yourself. And remember to tell your mom friends positive things you see too! "I love the way you child seems to really love you", "You make a great effort to try to have your child be curious about the world", or something along those lines. We don't hear it from our children, and normally not from our spouse. I can honestly say it would make my day if someone pointed out something they thought I was doing right instead of pointing out how I could do something differently, or better.
Unfortunate I am finding that this new found insecurity is leaking into other aspects of my life. There are some days I feel like a scared chihuahua wondering around my house fearful I am screwing everything up. (The reference comes from the fact I do in fact have 3 chihuahuas, 2 of which look terrified at any moment, one of those being an act, the other being genuine) I feel insecure in my relationships, with my hobbies I have mastered, and with just life in general. Its very frustrating for me.

Hey be nice to her! She had a baby!!

It seems once you are lugging around a car seat, or a stroller people become so nice. Or at least most of them do.
I have doors held open for me, receptionist offering to carry my diaper bag, nice comments about my child, and all of this because I reproduced!
Why can't we just be this nice to people all the time. Does it really kill us to hold open doors, offer a place ahead in line, or to smile to strangers? We are all people after all.
I am curious how this will change in the following years as Elliott grows and can walk on his own. If people will still smile and be patient with me?
I find it so funny, because even as I am pushing a stroller through a store and hear a child screaming at the top of his lungs I STILL think "God, someone shut that kid up" Yet I myself has shopped with a screaming child and haven't thought twice about it...lol.
Anyways, the point of this was to maybe make whoever reads this think about being nice to random people, not just those of us who have babies. The fact that we reproduced doesn't make us any more worth being nice to then the next capable person.