Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Looking back. WARNING LONG.

I meant to do this near his birthday. Look back at our first year together. Life happened and I was busy. So lets call this last 14 months looking back.

We got pregnant intentionally. We were advised that it may help with my ongoing, undiagnosed, medical condition. "They", being the doctors and specialists, thought that my medical condition was probably making it less and less likely that we could become pregnant. And honey, we weren't getting any younger! So we thought, desperately, that it was a way for me to get better, and for us to be a little family before it was to late.

My labor was not typical. Enough said. We were both healthy and happy.

Elliott was a wonderful little new born. He breast fed easy, like he was born to do it. I have never been a person that liked a lot of physical contact, so it was hard for me to be fed off of day and night, but I did it for him. He liked his sleep from the get go. I did have delayed bonding with him, which I guess can happen when you have a c-section.

Shortly after his birth Chris' grandpa was diagnosed with Cancer. Shortly after so was my grandmother. His grandfather passed away in June. My grandmother is still fighting the fight. She is a tough old lady! Chris' stepfather's dad was also diagnosed with cancer that year, and he recently passed away.

The same day of Chris grandfathers funeral a close friend tried to take her life. Elliott was only a few months old at this point. A few weeks later I had my exploitative surgery, and we again were rocked with devastating news.

Looking back at the last 14 months I realized that I was having a "hard time" being a mom. I spent most of my time feeling like a really crappy mom. Like it wasn't coming natural to me. Everything from wanting to spend time with him, and wanting to be affectionate to him felt forced. Taking a look back at everything else that happened, I now realize that I was dealing with a lot more then most first time moms have to deal with. Death, friend drama, health issues, health scares, and everything else that was going on.

Really if we had taken even half of all those issues off the table I think I would have felt much more successful, comfortable, and confident about my new role as mom. Discussing all of these things with my sister recently has made me realize that I just need to forgive myself for the last year, and look back at all the success I had as a mother.

Elliott is a wonderful person. Right from the get go, he has been a really easy baby. He slept good from the start. He eats well. He has a super laid back personality, takes life as it happens. He is a snuggle bunny, which I can proudly say I LOVE! He is a flirt. If you are a woman, with dark skin, dark hair, and dark eyes, watch out! He has had several developmental set backs. His head is crazy large head. It held him back from crawling and walking. We where insured by the peditrician that once his muscles where strong enough he would do a bunch of new stuff all at once. It felt pretty crappy watching all the other babies do new things, while I had a little baby blob. Within a two week period he went from just doing a weird version of crawling to pulling himself up holding on to us, and low furniture, to walking while holding on to us, to furniture surfing!! It feels great to finally see him figuring out the world is a place to explore.

Chris has been the most amazing person that I have ever known. He is a great dad, he is a great partner, and he is a great person. He takes care of me when I can't even take care of me. He puts Elliott and I first when it counts. He stands up to me being a suck. He is there for me when the craziness of life gets me down. He is more then I deserve, and a better man then most women get. He is supportive, and he has stuck buy me through this horrifying, crazy medical drama that I have been dealing with for the last 4 years.

I look forward to the next year. I am hoping life is a bit calmer on all fronts because I know that Elliott isn't going to be getting any calmer, and I want to take that on full force! I know that I will have great support from Chris, my family, and my close friend.

No comments:

Post a Comment