Mourning the loss of ones non mom Self.

You read it, and hear about it. Becoming a mom means leaving behind your old self and becoming someone new.
I didn't really understand that when I first started reading about being pregnant, and sequentially becoming a parent. I thought I understood it. You have to become use to being a mom. But I thought it was like any new skill you learn. Like if one day you decided to pick up a new hobby. That hobby doesn't change you, or your personality. Its just a skill you try to master. Well was I ever wrong!
For me at least, it really changed who I am. My old self is there. But its different. Not unlike buying an old house, gutting it, and renoing it. The "bones" of my old self are still there, and make up my outward personality. But my perspective, or interior, on a lot of things has changed so much.
Disturbing movies actually disturb me now. As I see them from a parents point of view. That young teenager running from a crazy person is Elliott in what I am sure will feel like a few short years. Peoples ignorance really bothers me now. So you think you know everything? How could you have that attitude? Stay away from my kid! I want him to be curious about the world, not think he invented it!
I really trust my instincts with him. The "mother knows best" really hits home for how I feel about the choices I make for him. I appreciate my family more. My husband is so much more then a partner now. Choice I make about our son are not mine alone to make.
Another side of all of this too is the needing to be my old self at times. I am not a sociable person. But when Elliott goes to bed at night those few hours before I follow him to dream town are so important to me. I will stay up just to have me time even if I am beat. The thought of going to bed when he does and waking up when he does actually makes my stomach turn. I am sure it wont as I become more "mom" then I am now, and my old self fazes in better with my "mom" self. But just the thought of living each and every day 100% mom is hard for me still. I thought by now it would just be who I am, but its not. Its nice to put him to bed, surf the net uninterrupted, or tend to my orchids, or hey! watch adult tv (not that kind of adult tv you big bunch of pervs)
Maybe I am mourning slower then some women. Maybe its because becoming a mom didn't save me from any bad decisions that I had been making. (You know, the women that say that having a baby saved them from, drugs, or drinking, or bad relationships, or all of the above. Because they had someone else to live for besides themselves.)
I can honestly say I look forward to the day that my mourning is done. I want to be pumped %100 of the time to be a mom, but at the same time I don't think its attainable. I think its part of the lie a lot of moms out there say because they have quilt about missing there old lives, because maybe having their baby was a choice, or because all the other moms they know "love" being a mom. I refuse to lie. I don't love being a mom %100 of the time. Heck some days I dont even make it to %50. BUT, and this is a big BUT, that way he smiles at me, or snuggles into me, or just wants me does make me happy. It washes away any resentment I have about being a mom. I hope that that feeling grows and grows as he grows.